The Legend of BADITUDE
A brief history of America’s Baddest Band
By Chairman Kaga
If memory serves me correctly, BADITUDE officially formed in The Year of Our Lord 2004, arising from the ashes of the New York City-based synth-pop duo Ebr-Odka. The duo, comprised of epicurean Chip Dunkirk and club promoter Troy Bennett, scored an international hit in 1992 with the song “I Before E, Except After C” off their debut album Feelin’ Haughty. A world tour in 1993-1994 saw Ebr-Odka performing in front of dozens of fans along with the bands The Edge of Etiquette and HOT 2 TOUCH!
Misfortune befell Ebr-Odka when, in September of 2001, Iraq’s Saddam Hussein flew an airplane into a building that had recently been wired up with explosives by the Urban Moving Systems company. The basement of this building, The Twin Tower, is where Ebr-Odka was storing their synthesizers, merchandise, and masters of their songs. In the blink of an instant – their music career was over. Chip and Troy decided to leave New York City and, inspired by the hit Pet Shop Boys song “Go West”, relocated to Parma Heights, Ohio.
Now situated in the general Cleveland area, Chip and Troy worked a variety of odd jobs in order to afford their gym memberships, steroids and Bang energy drinks; Chip worked as a chef on a cable access TV show, a drum tech / Olive Garden napkin roller, and he did audio as an engineer in a music studio. Troy worked as a roving reporter and briefly owned a concession stand with the help of his job coach. The money was rolling in, and this duo was able to increase the frequency and efficiency of their steroid cycles while experimenting with an ever-expanding assortment of workout supplements and amphetamines. Their power levels increased dramatically.
“I do… audio. These are my drums.”
– Chip Dunkirk
“How is your job coach, warden?”
– Troy Bennett
Their next band was a short-lived project called Sour Demeanor. Within a few hours, Sour Demeanor called it quits and announced their break-up. Some say that the break-up was due to the band’s increasing steroid abuse; others say that the band was not doing enough steroids and they were “pussies.” Still others say that Sour Demeanor never broke up, while others claim that Sour Demeanor never even existed. After the dust had settled, Chip Dunkirk and Troy Bennett formed BADITUDE about 12 minutes after the demise of Sour Demeanor.
And so the story of BADITUDE begins, after a couple of giant, sweaty idiots from various other bands got sufficiently jacked and began focusing their high-testosterone musical efforts on the two things that matter most:
- Working out
- Kicking ass
This wily duo of mesomorphic monstrosities set forth on a path of sonic destruction. Fuel by roid rage? Perhaps. But one thing is for certain: It was steroid rage. For the next several years, BADITUDE utilized the power of synthesizer music (“the most motivating of music”) in an attempt to right the wrongs of a society gone soft and ravaged by NERDS. They describe this as “motivational muscle music.” Their songs are optimized for use in the gymnasium (by men only), increasing endorphin production while minimizing lactic acid build-up. The band has told me that they guarantee results when using their music, along with a protein-based diet, and daily intake of Bang energy drinks.
Much has happened in the world of BADITUDE, from their inception in 2004 until today… more than I could ever dare to research and present to you in this short biography. The band performed a number of concert events in a 5-year span, made a surprise live appearance on a cold December night in 2011 with a prophecy about the end of the world, disappeared without a trace for several more years after the poles shifted in 2012, and then suddenly re-emerged in our current post-apocalyptic age of unprecedented uncertainty. I have it on good authority that Chip Dunkirk and Troy Bennett will be sharing many a fascinating tale on this website, sooner rather than later.
But, you don’t have to take my word for it. As the rude, crude dudes of BADITUDE are often known to exclaim: “TOP IT.”
– Chairman Kaga,
proprietor of Kitchen Stadium
EDITOR’S NOTE: The views expressed by Chairman Kaga do not reflect the actual history of BADITUDE. The band was actually formed by German music producer Frank Farian in 1988, when he discovered two bodybuilding breakdancers in a club in Parma Heights, Ohio. All BADITUDE songs are actually performed by Brad Howell and John Davis; Chip Dunkirk and Troy Bennett merely lip-sync while they flex and fight.
FACT CHECK: MOSTLY FALSE. The “Editor’s Note” contains numerous unsubstantiated claims. Independent fact-checkers from the Anti-Defamation League have concluded that the Editor’s Note is full of hate.