WHAT’S UP, RETARDS? THIS IS “TOUCHDOWN” TROY BENNETT, COMIN’ AT YA.
I’ve got a moment here, while I wait for my Zubaz pants to dry, thought I would tell some tales of history… Specifically, what in the fuck I was up to for the past decade or so, between the release of BADITUDE’s No Survivors album and our return to action during the Violent Riot Virus Fag-Fest Bummer Summer of 2020.
Well, it’s like this, you see. Let us travel back to the distant past, the Year of 2010. Ten years before the Forced Collapse of Society. Me and Chip, we launched our DOPE album No Survivors after playing some shows for a while and performing some tunes from the album at these shows. Songs like “12x Better”, “Tear The Sleeves Off Your Shirt”, and “Fuck U / Fuck Shit Up.” Shit was tight.
But it was right around this time that I received some rather startling intel. So one night, after a particularly brutal workout that featured the dreaded Pause x 2 Deadlifts, and some rather impressive Benchpressing, I overdosed on glycine powder. I know the bottle says to use less than one teaspoon, but I was like “fuck it” and I went for one TABLESPOON. This, of course, created VIVID dreams that could more accurately be described as premonitions of revealed truths, beamed into my brain from a parallel universe.
Alright, so if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that writing about dreams is GAY. Chicks always do this, and it is always awful. Nobody cares. So I won’t elaborate on the details of my cosmic premonitions. I’ll just say that a gray alien wearing a Dr. Seuss “Cat In The Hat” top hat told me that my REAL father is a sasquatch that currently lives in the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest!
I always had a sneaking suspicion that I’m half-sasquatch. My extremely hirsute aesthetics and giant size are not normal, and I have always had an obsession with Bigfoot lore. So I figured, hey what the heck, I’ll investigate. How hard can it be to track down some Bigfoots and get a blood sample and run some tests to see if it matches my own blood?
Around this same time in 2010, the other half of BADITUDE, Chip Dunkirk, was becoming more and more active in the underground crime-fighting scene around Cleveland. This seemed like a good opportunity to go do some Bigfoot-hunting while Chip was single-handedly defeating street gangs. Once September 11 hit, I boarded an airplane and flew directly into the Pacific Northwest.
Now, I know very little about North American geography. That is some NERD shit. Initially I thought I was going to end up in Canada, around Vancouver. Imagine my surprise when I wound up in Vancouver… Washington! Wait a minute, that ain’t Canada! I mean, it was still near the mountains and forests of the Pacific Northwest, so whatever. But it was still pretty funny when I was like WHAT, this isn’t Canada!
Alright, so I’m in the state of Washington now. It’s late 2010. In the next chapter of Troy Bennett’s BADITUDE History, I will elaborate upon just what exactly happened in those mountains and forests of Washington state. It was some CRAZY SHIT. But I just heard the ding on the clothes dryer, so my Zubaz pants are finally done, so fuck this, I’m out of here.